"I Have Become..."

I have become

A spectator

Of life

Not wanting

To participate

Not wanting

To breathe

Not wanting

To……

I wake up

In the mornings

On the sidelines

Of life

Put one foot

In front of the other

And go

Through the day

I’m pretending to care

But

Nothing

Really matters

Nothing

Has any meaning

I’m numb

I’m just

“Going thru the motions”

I don’t want to die

But

I don’t want to live either

It’s hard to find

A reason

To want

To live

Without you

My life

Was you

Our life

Was each other

Now half of me

Is gone

And

I’m not sure

What to do

With the other half

Did I love you too much

Did I put you before God

Did I not give Him the glory

Did I not praise Him enough

Is this somehow

My fault

For

Loving you too much

I don’t know the answers

Anymore

And it scares me

To even ask the questions

But whether I ask them

Or not

The questions

Are still there

For now

I can only feel

What I feel

And ponder on the questions

That I have

For now

I can only be honest

With myself

And

I can only be honest

With God

I don’t want to feel

What I feel

And

I don’t want to have

The questions

That I have

But I do

And I can’t hide them

From God

All I can do

Is pour out my heart and soul

To God

Ask the questions that I have

Be honest with the feelings that I have

And trust Him

To answer my questions

And heal my broken soul

Our life

Has become

My life

And

Things will never be the same

But

Hopefully, someday

I’ll learn how to participate in life

Again

And

Hopefully, someday

I’ll want to participate in life

Again

But

Not now

Not yet

For now

I’m content to be

A spectator of life

For now

I’m comfortable on the sidelines

Of life

How long will I stay here?

I don’t know

And neither do you

But God does

And I’m ok with that 

Debra Baumgardner 2-27-09

PICTURES

I look at the pictures

Of you and me together

And it seems like

Someone else’s life

A million years ago

Someone else was happy

Someone else was smiling

Is that really me

In those pictures

Was I really happy

Once upon a time

Did someone like you

Really love me

Those pictures seem like

Another lifetime ago

When things mattered

When life was good

When life was right

Then I turn around

And those pictures

Are so familiar

And so comforting

They were taken

“just yesterday”

I can remember

The sounds

And the smells

And everything about

When they were taken

I can remember

What you said

After the picture

Was taken

I can remember

What you did

After the picture

Was taken

So then

How can it be

That now you’re gone

And that life

In those pictures

Is so far away

It can’t be true

You can’t be gone

You’ll be home soon

You’re right there

In the pictures

It just can’t be true

But it is true

You are gone

You’re not coming home

And

There won’t be anymore

Pictures of you

And now this life

That I’m “living”

Doesn’t feel like mine

Anymore

Without you in it

This life

Belongs to someone else

Without you in it

I don’t like

This life

Without you in it

How long does it take

For it all to make sense

How long does it take

To get used to it

How long does it take

To know you’re not

Coming home

How long does it take

To realize that

This is my life

Without you 

I don’t know the answers

I’m not sure

I ever will

I’m not even sure

I want to know

The answers

“Life goes on”

They say

But whose life

What life

Without you

My life

I guess

What’s left of it

Doors have been shut

But

Doors will be open

And there will be

Another lifetime

Yet to come

And more pictures

Yet to be taken

But you

Won’t be in them 

Debra Baumgardner 2-4-09

Bye Baby

I love you

You Look Nice

Hey Baby

I miss you

I don’t know what to do

Without you

I don’t know how to breathe

Without you

I was broken

When you found me

But you made me whole again

When you loved me

But now you're gone

And I’m lost

But I’m not broken

Anymore

You gave me strength

You made me laugh

You made me happy

You were

Mr. Wonderful

I was so proud

Of you

You were so

Amazing

I was so proud

Just to be

By your side

I was so proud

To be your wife

You were

Fearless

And you made me

Fearless

I don’t want to be afraid

Anymore

I don’t want to be sad

Anymore

You gave me the strength

To endure this

I hope

I hope you’re

Proud of me

I’m trying so hard

To do what’s right

To do things

The way you

Would have done them

I don’t want

To let you down

I don’t want

To disappoint you

You were the love of my life

And

You are the love of my life

I can still feel you

And I’m still in love with you

I will always be

In love with you

You are my heart

You are my smile

You are my tears

I miss hearing you say

You look nice

I miss hearing you say

I love you

I miss the touch of your hands

I miss the sound of your voice

I miss the way you walk

I miss you…..

I will always

Miss you

God has his reasons

And I know you’re

With Him

And I know you’ve sent

Messages

Through music that keeps “rollin on”

Through “Greetings from far, far away”

Through a colorless rainbow on Christmas morning

Through a slowly moving shooting star

Two nights in a row

Through a dream from heaven

And through a dog

Named Cracker Jack  

Thank you baby

For not leaving me

All alone

Thank you for

Messages from far, far away

They’ve given me comfort

They’ve given me peace

They’ve given me strength

To live

I will never get over loosing you

You were the best

My only hope

Is to get used to living

Without you

Somehow

Slowly

One minute

At a time

One breath

At a time

One heart beat

At a time

I’ll see you again

Someday

But until then

I love you

Bye Baby

You look nice…..  

Debra Baumgardner 12-31-08

THAT’S JUST ME AND YOU

Bonnie and Clyde

And Clementine

You and your mules

Me and my horse

We couldn’t afford them

We didn’t need them

But we got them

Anyway

That’s just me and you

That’s our life

We’re broke

We’re happy

We’re in this together

Side by side

Hand in hand

Together

It’ll be okay

The car broke down

We can’t afford

To get it fixed

Bad luck?

No

The truck is still running

I’ll drive it

We’ll get the car fixed

Eventually

I’m glad we got Bonnie and Clyde

And Clementine

Instead

That’s just me and you

That’s our life

We’re broke

We’re happy

We’re in this together

Side by side

Hand in hand

Together

It’ll be okay  

We got the corn picked

But then the silo

Came apart

And the corn

Was scattered

On the ground

Bad luck?

No

It didn’t rain

And you got to spend time

With your Dad

While he helped

Clean it up

That’s just me and you

That’s our life

We’re broke

We’re happy

We’re in this together

Side by side

Hand in hand

Together

It’ll be okay

I guess some people

Will look at us

And shake their heads

“They didn’t need another horse”

They’ll say

“They had no business getting two mules”

They’ll say

“All they have is bad luck

The car broke down

The silo came apart

What are they going to do now”

They’ll say

But

That’s just me and you

That’s our life

We’re broke

We’re happy

We’re in this together

Side by side

Hand in hand

Together

It will always

Be okay

That’s just the way it is

With me and you

Because

He has always

Stood by our side

He has always

Held onto our hands

And

He has always been

What holds us together

And that’s the reason why

This is our life

We’re broke

We’re happy

We’re in this together

Side by side

Hand in hand

Together

It’ll be okay  

Debra Baumgardner 11-2-06

I LOVE YOU WITH ALL THE HEART THAT I HAVE

I wish I could say

I love you with all my heart

But I don’t have a whole heart

To love you with

He broke a part of my heart

That part will always be dead

He almost broke my soul

But then I met you

He took the love of a whole heart

And destroyed a part of it

You’ve taken the love of part of a heart

And made it feel whole

When I came to you

I was a broken spirit

But you held me and told me

It was ok to cry

Each day I’m with you

I realize more and more

How special you are

And how blessed I am

You have given me the strength

And the courage

To be me again

I didn’t even know

How much of myself I had lost

Until you held my hand

Just the touch of your hands

And the way you say

“You look nice”

Makes me feel special

Makes me feel loved

So, even though I don’t have a whole heart

To love you with

I love you with all of the heart that I have

Debra 7-1-05

You and I Started as Friends

You and I started as friends

You in your old green Chevrolet truck

Me in my overalls

The moment you first spoke to me

I felt like I’d always known you

I guess my heart always had

You were surprised when I asked you to go riding

But it just felt right for you to go

I was surprised when you said you’d go

But I was glad you did

It was innocent

It was fun

I didn’t know it then, but I was already in love with you

I’m not sure when it happened

Maybe it was that morning

Sitting by the smoldering ashes from the fire the night before

Just me and you

Talking
Everyone else still sleeping.

Or maybe it was watching you with Ladd

And the way the two of you communicated

I don’t know when

But somewhere along the way you stole my heart

Then summer came to an end

And with it came the end of riding until the next Spring

By then you were sure to have met someone

Someone you wanted to be with

Ride with

Love with

I was already envious of her

She would be a lucky woman

But then you called me during the winter months

Which gave me an excuse to call you back

I’d tease you about all of your girlfriends

You’d tease me by telling me none of them mattered

Because they weren’t me

You made me laugh

You and your jokes

I looked forward to your phone calls

More and more as time passed

But I knew you would break my heart someday with the phone call

When you would tell me about “her”

So I kept up my guard and took everything as a joke

Then one day I asked if you were serious

I hadn’t planned on asking

I think it caught us both off guard

I couldn’t believe it when you said “yes”.

Are you sure?

“Yes”

Now my heart melts every time I look at you

The way you walk

The way you talk

Your wink

Your laugh

Your smiling eyes

I don’t know what I would have done

If you hadn’t said “yes”

You’re my heart.

I love you.  

Debra

September 17, 2003

LADD

  “Son, I’ll tell you what,

That ole Ladd is some horse”

I sure will miss hearing that

And “son” was he some horse

That ghost was one of a kind

He was like the wind

He came and went as he pleased

Fences couldn’t hold him

He only stayed

Because he chose to

He only chose to

Because of Rick

The bond those two shared

Was a once in a lifetime thing

They were companions

And they were friends

The respect and pride they had for each other

Was mutual

You could see it in Ladd’s step

When Rick was riding him

You could see it on Rick’s face

When he was on Ladd’s back

They were natural together

Ladd had grace and patience

When other people rode him

But Rick was his partner

Whether they were doing somersaults in the river

Prancing and dancing and playing with other riders

Whether Rick was riding standing up

Or sitting down

They were partners

Partners,

Companions

And friends to the end

What a gift those two were given

To have known each other

The ghost is gone now

But the cowboy will continue ride

And the ghost will be running in the wind

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Debra 5-28-03